I almost forgot to write tonight. Not because I didn't want to, but because I was absorbed in different things. Jason's been deployed now 8 weeks, and I feel like I'm still missing my rhythm, my balance. I'm still struggling to prioritize between my work, my kids, my house and my sanity. They don't always walk hand in hand.
Days are slipping by easily and the to-do list only seems to grow, adding an item here or there, but not checking off the ones that came before it. Yes, I know, it's life, and I get that, but there's something so daunting about a list that just doesn't seem to stop growing. It's like that plant in Little Shop of Horrors, and I just imagine it trying to eat me, screaming "Feed me, Seymour!!!"
The damn thing is winning.
First thing tomorrow? Mark something off. Anything. Heck, maybe I'll put down "get out of bed and put kids on bus" on the list just so I have the joy of marking the box. Yes, that's sounds like a great idea.
In reality? It's the last full day of school that the big three have, so Brody and I will spend the day running last minute errands and stocking the house up with food like a natural disaster is coming. I really hate summer, but that's the subject of tomorrow's blog. I'd hate to spoil the fun.
Every day I wake up and I'm thinking, "today is the day I show this list who's boss. Today is the day I slay the To-Do dragon!" Like I'm all:
And then I break the deck on the riding lawn mower, and it's stuck on on the corner of my lot, and cars are driving by (because we live on the main street in the village), and I look like a clueless girl under a riding mower with two boys staring perplexed at their mom.... because I am. This is the crap that keeps me from getting my to-do list done. So at the end of my well-intentioned day, it's already midnight, and I glance over my list and tomorrow's activities, and yes, it's multiplied AGAIN.
Soooo, now the mower is broken, but hey, I got the darn thing back into the garage. I now have to add "figure out what the heck you did to the John Deere" into my list. Yay. The list of things I need to get done and the hours in my day just aren't adding up. If I don't find my balance point soon, this deployment is going to eat me alive.
Balance point? Where is the balance? Where is the schedule I so long for? The perfectly timed dinners, and dishes done before the counters can clutter? Where is my methodical laundry system, my getting up early at 6 to squeeze another run in? Where is the undisturbed hour to write, edit, review MS's? Where is the time to make 200 cake pops for our FRG and organize everything? Where is the time to joyfully play with the kids because the rest is done?
The to-do list has taken my time and just devoured it.
Yeah, that's me, tugging at my sanity, screaming "GIVE IT BACK!!!" like I was one of my boys being tormented by an older brother. Sheesh.
Point here is, school is out for summer this week, and the days will get even more hectic with boys to entertain and clean up after. Cleaning the house while the boys are home for summer is like trying to nail jello to a tree. Doesn't work too well. There's gear to buy for hockey camp, care packages to make, hotels to book, trips to plan for other camps, hiking trips, and anything else I can think of to keep these four from going all Survivor and voting each other off the island.
I'm giving myself two weeks. That's it. Two weeks into this summer I'd better have this schedule-thing down, or things are going to start slipping through the cracks, and everything is too important to let slip. Alas, let the plate-spinning begin.
I got this. Right? Right. Yeah. This time, I mean it. Totally.
Two weeks from now, I'll still be blogging on the 19 day spree, and it's going to be all sunshine and rainbows... you know, because wooded forest creatures are going to show up and start scrubbing my floors.
Yeah. I think not.
So yes, I am in search of balance, and knocking out that to-do list, because I know that once all four boys are home all day during the summer, fighting, adventuring, tracking in dirt, eating the entire contents of the refrigerator in two days, it's going to look more like:
Wish me luck.